Difficult decision

Ryleigh has officially weaned from breastfeeding. I have not had a baby to my boob for a little over a week now. I am sad. And happy.

Everyone asked me when I was pregnant if I planned on breastfeeding, and my answer was always the same, "Yeah, as long as it works okay." I don't know if I jinxed myself, or if I just did not put forth enough effort, or if I flat out did it wrong. But sure enough, it stopped working for me.

I felt guilty from the very beginning, hearing people talk about how they 'loved' nursing. I never 'loved' nursing.

I loved the fact that I knew I was giving Ryleigh what she needed, breast milk full of antibodies and the perfect consistency for her immature digestive system. I loved that it gave me a chance to take her away (especially in those first few weeks) and care for her the way no one else could. It was our time. I loved that the act of breastfeeding helped my uterus shrink up faster, and put me in the fast(er) lane for recovery.

But I did not love feeling bad every time she had gas, knowing that it was due to something I ate. I did not love feeling like I could not be away for longer than 2 hours...including sleeping. I did not love the feelings of engorgement, 'let down,' and sore nipples. And as much as I loved that it was something only I could do, I also hated that it was something only I could do!

However, I was determined to make it work. I felt that I had a tremendous advantage being able to work from home, that I could still nurse her. I know that it is better for her. I also know that formula is an added cost that we did not originally budget for. But to be 100% honest, my main reason for wanting to 'succeed' at breastfeeding, was because I felt it was the "right" thing to do. I have seen and heard of too many people who 'succeeded' with far more difficult circumstances; so if they could do it, surely I could!

When I realized that she was constantly hungry, and when I would try to pump, realized how little milk I was making in relation to how much she should be eating, of course I was worried. I originally tried to get my milk supply up by feeding very religiously and pumping a few extra times a day. That did nothing for me. She never 'brought in more' to regulate her growth. So then I attempted feeding from the breast first, then supplementing with formula if she was still hungry. Well, obviously once she got used to the taste of the formula, she preferred it from the bottle. So then I tried simply pumping and giving her breast milk from the bottle, but again, I was not producing enough, so I was still having to supplement. And all the while, her moods would fluctuate just as much! She was out of sorts, to say the least.

So, I decided to wean her. First, one meal of all formula a day, then two meals, then three...and ya know what? She learned to like it. She was happier. She was on a more even-keel throughout the day, no more ups and downs. She gets excited when she sees me preparing her bottle, and reaches out for it (occasionally, even bringing it to her mouth). She takes it from anyone who holds the bottle; not just me. And she started to get a few chubby rolls!!

I guess it does not matter whether she is getting her sustenance from me or from a bottle. Ultimately, a happy and healthy baby is what is important.

I wonder if I subconsciously wanted it to 'not work.' Did the cons of my list out-weigh the pros? Was I just being selfish? I guess those are questions I have to ask myself and deal with.

The first time I went to the store and bought nursing pads, I felt so shy and embarrassed. Like I was screaming out, "my baby sucks my boobs and yes, they leak!" Almost like when you have to go buy tampons or something, and you feel like you are wearing a huge sign that reads, "yes, people, I am on my period!" And yet, the first time I went and bought a can of formula, I was overcome with guilt, thinking I had a new sign to wear. This one reading something along the lines of, "bad mother, unable to produce enough to sustain baby, and too selfish to try harder."

Why do we associate breastfeeding with 'good, Christian, motherly, right' feelings, and formula bottle feeding with all the opposites? Am I a worse mother because I feed my daughter from a bottle, rather than from the breast?

I have learned a lot about myself since becoming a mom. I know that I would do anything for Ryleigh. I would give my left arm for her. But I have a selfish streak too. I like having 'me' time. I like having my body to myself (& Jesse, of course =). I'm definitely not "Susy Homemaker." I will probably never make my own baby food, or use a cloth diaper. I am not going to ever nurse my baby until they are a year and a half old. I just can't do those things.

And you know what? I think I am okay with that. I'm going to do the best I can to give Ryleigh the happiest, healthiest childhood I can. And if it does not measure up to other people's standards, or my own standards for that matter, then I'm going to have to live with that. And hope it is a decision I can live with.

P.S. On a side (happy!) note, I finally realized a couple days ago that no more nursing means no more nursing bra! I had continued wearing it out of habit, and suddenly realized I did not have to anymore. I cannot tell you how SEXY I felt, putting on my plain white, cotton bra!! It is probably the most boring bra you would ever find, and yet it made me feel more like a woman than I have felt the past 4 months. Crazy how perspective changes... =)