First taste of cereal...from a spoon!

The pediatrician gave us the go-ahead to start trying solid foods, beginning with cereals. I had started putting a little bit in her night-time bottle, to help with her acid reflux and spitting up during the night. So though it was not her very first time with cereal, it was the first time I imagine she actually tasted it, with texture, and ate from a spoon.

I held her off feeding for longer than normal, to make sure she would be good and hungry when I attempted to feed her. Sure enough, she was more than ready to eat!
I dont know if you can tell in this picture, but as soon as I brought the spoon close enough, she would grab my hand and pull it to her mouth herself! Granted, I dont think she made it IN her mouth a single time, but she obviously knew where it was supposed to go.
Look Mommy, I ate this much!!
(And I have my cute messy face to show for it!)
I can't believe it has been four months, and we are eating from a spoon! Time sure has flown by, and my baby is growing up fast. I'm enjoying every minute of it. =)

Mommy & Me

I'm slightly obsessive, I know. But Ryleigh is just too fun right now! She definitely seems to know what the camera is, and the second I start messing with it, she starts smiling and posing. Too fun!

Good morning, Mommy!

.....

I have started this post at least three times in the past few days, and every time I just closed my browser, unsure as to what I should say.

For those who did not look at my previous post about Baby Copeland Farley or have not been keeping up with their blog, little Copeland went home to be with Jesus on Wednesday night. After seeing the post, I wept. I wept hard, and have found myself to be extra emotional ever since. In fact, I cannot seem to get her or her family off my mind or my heart. I go to the blog at least once every hour, needing to see updates. I have looked through every link on her page, even so much as to go to the Trisomy-18 Foundation website, and scroll through all 500+ legacy photo albums of other children taken by this unrelenting disease. My heart has not felt this heavy in a long time. I feel like I have grieved each and every loss, as if I knew them personally, and lost them myself.

To think I had never heard of the disease before, and now to learn how many innocent babies and families are traumatized by its wrath year after year...it makes me ache, and physically ill to think about it. I have been holding Ryleigh extra close, smiling when she wakes me up in the night, singing to God as she cries, and realzing what a tremendous gift He has given me.

I keep thinking; if I were put in the same position, would I handle it with as much faith and hope as Conor and Boothe? Would I be able to praise God, despite the fact my heart would be broken? Would I even want to have the baby live 'so long' (a week), holding her, kissing her, feeling my heart-strings grow more attached every day, only to lose her? Could I do that??

I know that God does not give us anything we cannot handle. And for the things we think we can't handle, he gently reminds us, "I can do all things, through Him who strengthens me."

I know it in my head.

But would I feel it in my heart?

Would I be able to give up my child, willingly, knowing that her little life would touch thousands?

Would that be enough to make it all 'worth it?'

Is it okay to NOT want to be used, in that way, by God?

Is it even my place to say how I want to be used?

Isn't it our purpose here to bring glory to God?

Is it fair that an innocent child had to die, her parents having to bury a newborn, in order to show thousands of people the strength of our hope in Jesus?

The questions keep running through my head. I wish I had answers. I wish I knew how I would feel and respond to that situation, were it true in my life. I wish I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I would stand strong, and say, "Lord, Your will be done."

I continue to be reminded of the correlation between this scenario and God sending His only son, knowingly, to die, so that we may all have abundant life. He knowingly chose to send His son to die. And yet, Jesus asked in the final hours if the Lord would take the cup away...and yet still said, if God would not, His will should be done.

Isn't that what we would want our prayer to be? Lord, heal my sick child. But if you choose to not, then Your will be done. Obviously, the Lord has a larger plan for our lives than we can have for ourselves. I don't know what little Copeland would have done on this Earth, had she been born a healthy child. Perhaps she would have been a teacher, and touched the lives of many children. Perhaps she would have been a doctor, who helped heal the bodies of many. Both professions worthy of praise. But perhaps the Lord had a bigger plan for her tiny body. Perhaps He wanted to use her short life to touch the hearts of thousands. To show that in times like these, everything points to Him. And to demonstrate the love that He has for each and every one of us, which he so freely gave by sending His own son to die for us.

Little Copeland probably had a greater impact for the Lord's kingdom in her nine days of life, than most of us will have in a lifetime. I can only pray that the Lord would give me the strength, like Boothe, to use the circumstances, 'the valleys,' in my life, as a constant testimony to Him and His glory. Does my life point people to Jesus? Do people yearn for a desire to draw near to Him, because of the strength they see Him giving me in my own life? Not yet. But after this week, I have a clearer picture of what that looks like, and a stronger passion to live it out in my own life than I have ever felt before.


One of the comments on the blog said how cool it must have been for Copeland, reaching those beautiful, pearly gates. To breathe free of pain and suffering, smile at her maker, and hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome Home."

Was her precious life worth it? Without a doubt.

4-month checkup

We had Ryleigh's 4-month checkup yesterday afternoon, and actually it went pretty well.

I normally carry her in, still sitting in her car seat, but when I went to grab it, she was wide awake and happy, so I figured I would just take her in. Sitting in the waiting room, she sat on my lap just watching all the little kids running around and playing with toys and books. The few times I tried to turn her around to look at me, she squirmed to face out. She was very interested in what everyone else was doing! Quite the attentive one, my Ryleigh.

Everyone commented on how beautiful she is (blushing, proud Mama) and what a strong 4-month-old she is. One of the nurses actually came into our room and said, "I need some playtime. It has been a rough day." And Ryleigh continued to smile and coo at her, (until she realized that Mama had stepped away, then she wanted me back).

I was nervous about her weight this time, but for the opposite reason of the last time. Since we have put her on formula, she has started getting a few chubby rolls on her arms and legs, and the classic double-chin and chubby cheeks. Initially, it made me happy to see her filling out. But then I worried that we might go over-weight! (I worry too much, and really need to take a 'chill pill.')

She weighed 13 pounds 7 ounces (50th percentile)
She measured 24 and 1/2 inches (50-75th percentile)
Her head measured 34 cm (10-25th percentile)

They really shouldn't tell parents the percentile, because then you 'worry' that something is not right. In actuality, the doctor said that Ryleigh is PERFECT. All of her dimensions are right where they should be. And even more important, she has hit all of the developmental milestones, and has even surpassed a few! She is doing everything a healthy 4-month-old should be. We are good. =)

When it came time for the immunizations, I felt my body tense in anticipation. There was a slight delayed reaction when the needle went in, probably from shock, but sure enough, the eyes closed, the face turned red, and the wailing and tears came. But, the second they were finished and the Band-Aids were in place, the nurse said, "okay, Mama," I scooped her up and cuddled her to my chest, and she stopped crying immediately. In fact, she turned her teary eyes back to the nurse to see what she was doing, and even gave her a smile.

I did not hear another upset peep from her the rest of the day. There was no extra fussiness or anything. Last time, she wailed again when I removed the Band-Aids. This time she was too busy smiling at herself in the mirror to even notice. Nor did she pull away when I massaged her legs with lotion after her bath. Not a single side effect. Gosh, I have a good baby.

On a side note: Jesse also had to go get a shot yesterday and some blood work because his hives were completely out of control. I wanted to get a picture of both of them with their battle wounds (especially because he had a cute Snoopy Band-Aid), but he refused to let me take a picture of his butt. Oh well. Maybe next time... =)

Prayers

After writing my last post last night, as usual, I went and checked out a few of my friend's blogs. And, as usual, I surfed links from one blog to the next...never knowing where I would end up.

A friend, of a friend, of a friend goes to church with this family. A young family. Barely older than Jesse and I. And they just gave birth to their daughter with Trisomy-18 (Edward's disease). They did not think they would bring her home from the hospital, and she yet she just celebrated her 1-week birthday at home with her family. The mother writes with more strength and genuine emotion than I can even fathom. I have spent the past few hours reading back over every entry she has written for the past few months.

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/

She gives a link to a video from another family who also lost their son to the same horrible disease. My eyes are red from crying. My heart is aching. I don't suggest watching this at work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

All I can say, is please pray for this family. I don't know them. But I feel like I do, after reading the words from this mother's heart. Pray for other families out there who have lost children to this disease, and those who are going to lose children to it.

God, please cover this family with your wings. I know you are going to take baby Copeland in Your perfect timing, whenever that may be. Please give Conor and Boothe the strength to praise You, despite the fact their hearts will be breaking. Please give Sellers a powerful ability to love and comfort her parents, even at such a young age. Give the grandparents, aunts and uncles, family, and friends who have all taken shifts cradling little Copeland a chance to rest in You and be filled with peace. A peace that must surpass understanding. Please allow Copeland to breathe, and smile, and laugh, and play, free from pain and disease, in Heaven with You. And provide the utmost comfort for all of those left behind, touched by her short life. Thank you, again, for showing me, through the life of someone I do not even know, that Your people are hurting. The world is full of sorrow. And yet You provide hope and security to those who call upon Your name. I do not pray for understanding; I don't think we, as humans, have the ability to ever fully understand death- especially not the death of a child. Your faithfulness and comfort are all I ask for this family who loves You. Lord, be with them.

Not just about me

Don't you love how God works?

Every time I get caught in the little things of my life that bother me, I throw myself a huge pity party. And my party is not just a one-night block party, where I come and go as a please. No, I'm a thinker and an over-analyzer, and I can work myself up pretty good. One small, insignificant annoance can become a dramatized, "my entire life is going wrong" scenario.

And then God steps in.

And suddenly I hear that a friend is having a rough time. And my sister-in-law is is still physically healing and hurting. And a family friend is dealing with issues I cannot imagine tackling. Health problems, financial burdens, major family problems...people's hearts are hurting and their bodies are worn down from trying to deal with it all.

God blantantly reminds me that my "problems" are incredibly insignificant. Why waste my time worrying, analyzing, and being angry over them? And even more, why waste God's time praying about these issues, when there are so much more important issues to pray for.

And then, the miracle occurs. When I get my focus off of myself, by praying for, worrying for, and listening to other people, my "issues" disappear. I'm reminded of all the blessings in my life, and my prayers turn from complaints and requests to praises and thanksgiving.

Gotta love how God works. =)

Difficult decision

Ryleigh has officially weaned from breastfeeding. I have not had a baby to my boob for a little over a week now. I am sad. And happy.

Everyone asked me when I was pregnant if I planned on breastfeeding, and my answer was always the same, "Yeah, as long as it works okay." I don't know if I jinxed myself, or if I just did not put forth enough effort, or if I flat out did it wrong. But sure enough, it stopped working for me.

I felt guilty from the very beginning, hearing people talk about how they 'loved' nursing. I never 'loved' nursing.

I loved the fact that I knew I was giving Ryleigh what she needed, breast milk full of antibodies and the perfect consistency for her immature digestive system. I loved that it gave me a chance to take her away (especially in those first few weeks) and care for her the way no one else could. It was our time. I loved that the act of breastfeeding helped my uterus shrink up faster, and put me in the fast(er) lane for recovery.

But I did not love feeling bad every time she had gas, knowing that it was due to something I ate. I did not love feeling like I could not be away for longer than 2 hours...including sleeping. I did not love the feelings of engorgement, 'let down,' and sore nipples. And as much as I loved that it was something only I could do, I also hated that it was something only I could do!

However, I was determined to make it work. I felt that I had a tremendous advantage being able to work from home, that I could still nurse her. I know that it is better for her. I also know that formula is an added cost that we did not originally budget for. But to be 100% honest, my main reason for wanting to 'succeed' at breastfeeding, was because I felt it was the "right" thing to do. I have seen and heard of too many people who 'succeeded' with far more difficult circumstances; so if they could do it, surely I could!

When I realized that she was constantly hungry, and when I would try to pump, realized how little milk I was making in relation to how much she should be eating, of course I was worried. I originally tried to get my milk supply up by feeding very religiously and pumping a few extra times a day. That did nothing for me. She never 'brought in more' to regulate her growth. So then I attempted feeding from the breast first, then supplementing with formula if she was still hungry. Well, obviously once she got used to the taste of the formula, she preferred it from the bottle. So then I tried simply pumping and giving her breast milk from the bottle, but again, I was not producing enough, so I was still having to supplement. And all the while, her moods would fluctuate just as much! She was out of sorts, to say the least.

So, I decided to wean her. First, one meal of all formula a day, then two meals, then three...and ya know what? She learned to like it. She was happier. She was on a more even-keel throughout the day, no more ups and downs. She gets excited when she sees me preparing her bottle, and reaches out for it (occasionally, even bringing it to her mouth). She takes it from anyone who holds the bottle; not just me. And she started to get a few chubby rolls!!

I guess it does not matter whether she is getting her sustenance from me or from a bottle. Ultimately, a happy and healthy baby is what is important.

I wonder if I subconsciously wanted it to 'not work.' Did the cons of my list out-weigh the pros? Was I just being selfish? I guess those are questions I have to ask myself and deal with.

The first time I went to the store and bought nursing pads, I felt so shy and embarrassed. Like I was screaming out, "my baby sucks my boobs and yes, they leak!" Almost like when you have to go buy tampons or something, and you feel like you are wearing a huge sign that reads, "yes, people, I am on my period!" And yet, the first time I went and bought a can of formula, I was overcome with guilt, thinking I had a new sign to wear. This one reading something along the lines of, "bad mother, unable to produce enough to sustain baby, and too selfish to try harder."

Why do we associate breastfeeding with 'good, Christian, motherly, right' feelings, and formula bottle feeding with all the opposites? Am I a worse mother because I feed my daughter from a bottle, rather than from the breast?

I have learned a lot about myself since becoming a mom. I know that I would do anything for Ryleigh. I would give my left arm for her. But I have a selfish streak too. I like having 'me' time. I like having my body to myself (& Jesse, of course =). I'm definitely not "Susy Homemaker." I will probably never make my own baby food, or use a cloth diaper. I am not going to ever nurse my baby until they are a year and a half old. I just can't do those things.

And you know what? I think I am okay with that. I'm going to do the best I can to give Ryleigh the happiest, healthiest childhood I can. And if it does not measure up to other people's standards, or my own standards for that matter, then I'm going to have to live with that. And hope it is a decision I can live with.

P.S. On a side (happy!) note, I finally realized a couple days ago that no more nursing means no more nursing bra! I had continued wearing it out of habit, and suddenly realized I did not have to anymore. I cannot tell you how SEXY I felt, putting on my plain white, cotton bra!! It is probably the most boring bra you would ever find, and yet it made me feel more like a woman than I have felt the past 4 months. Crazy how perspective changes... =)

Random pictures to share

No real rhyme or reason for this post, other than to show off my precious daughter! She really is in a happy, playful stage, and I am just loving it! Not only that, she watches me very intently when I am holding the camera, ready to stop and smile at me in an instant. Too cute!




Gosh, I love this girl!! :)

Growing so fast

What a difference a month and a half makes! Look how much Ryleigh has grown!

Pacifier update

Well, the pacifier situation has improved. You all will be proud to know that Ryleigh has been sleeping in her room, in her crib for almost 2 weeks now. :)

Honestly, I'm not even sure the pacifier is really an issue anymore. She is not much of a sleeper during the day, so she typically falls asleep very quickly and easily at night-- not even noticing that she does not have her paci. Occassionally, she will wake up around 2:00 or 3:00 wanting it, and I simply go in, pop it in her mouth, and she goes right back to sleep. It is not the constant battle that it was. (Thank goodness!)

I still went ahead and took other precautions to make sure it does not become an issue. I went ahead and created my own version of the "wubbanub" that I had read about.

The real wubbanub with a Soothie paci:

Ryleigh's version with her paci's sewn on:
And for extra precaution, I went ahead and threw a bunch of extra paci's in her crib so when she starts reaching and pulling things to her mouth, there will be plenty to grab!

The sleeping situation is finally improving. She sleeps much deeper and a little longer every night. Yes, I am still getting up about 2 times a night, but the duration is much shorter, and I feel like I can at least handle it. I must say, I am still jealous of all of your babies out there that sleep all the way through the night with no problems...you know who you are!! Be thankful... :)

Pretty toes

Auntie Sus and Aunt Julie both came in town this weekend. Susan had not seen Ryleigh since she was born, and was very excited to have girly time with Ryleigh when she got here.

Sure enough, she convinced me to let her give Ryleigh her first pedicure and paint Ryleigh's toe nails. We waited until Ryleigh was asleep, but it did not matter. She still squirmed and kept clinching her toes together, getting finger nail polish all over herself. They still managed to turn out pretty cute though. :)

Never would have thought any child of mine would have pretty toes... :)

GIG 'EM...well, almost.

We attempted our first A&M football game with Ryleigh this weekend. Notice I used the word "attempt." You see, Jesse has a friend from school who manages the football field (Kyle Field), and he was able to get us two tickets for this weekend's game. We were pumped! And, I mean, PUMPED! We sang Ryleigh the fight song all week long, and I think I had at least two dreams about the game the night before. We discussed whether or not we should take Ryleigh, but ultimately we were just so excited about taking her to her first Aggie game, that excitement over-ruled logic.

The night before, we got everything ready. I washed Ryleigh's maroon "lil Aggie" onesie and her blue jean skirt. I laid out her Aggie socks, and packed her Aggie bib, baby sunscreen, and white bonnett. Man-- she looked super cute! We got the Baby B'Jorn out and ready. I even charged the video camera.

We woke up Saturday morning and got ready to leave. Upon further inspection, I realized that I did NOT charge the video camera and it was dead. And would you believe that we did not see a single Radio Shack to buy an AC adapter the entire trip up? Strike 1.

Once we got there, we were pumped again. For those of you who have not been to Aggieland on a game day, you really are missing out. The atmosphere is intoxicating. People everywhere, dressed from head to toe in maroon, everyone smiling and saying "howdy"...gets me excited just thinking about it! When we parked, I tried to feed Ryleigh and Jesse lathered her in sunscreen. We loaded her in the Baby B'Jorn, put her bonnet on her head, and headed to campus.

We were a few hours early, so we got hamburgers and went to eat inside the air conditioned MSC (student center)...which was the same plan as everyone else! :) Ryleigh kept staring all around, taking in the hundreds of people and noise everywhere. People kept coming over to tell us how precious she was and how great it is that we were 'raising her right' and 'starting her early.' Jesse and I were both beaming, proud, and so excited to share in the experience of it all.

Then we headed to the stadium for the game. She did fine under the stands, but the minute we walked out into the stadium, she started crying. I thought she might be hungry, since she did not eat much before, and it had been over 2 hours anyway. Stupid me, I decided to try to give her another bottle of the pre-made formula. Now she is screaming. They played the national anthem and the drum CORE started to lead the Aggies out to the field. Ryleigh was screaming by this point. Jesse just sat down and tried to calm her down, while the rest of the stadium was standing, screaming, and singing. At the end of the entrance, two jets flew over the stadium, and that did it. The noise was too much. She was officially mad and screaming. I took her down under the stands. She would not calm down. I took her to the bathroom and tried to make her other bottle that she likes; she would not take it. Finally, I went in to the air conditioned first aid room. I paced around for 35 minutes trying to get her to stop screaming. Honestly, it was very similar to the incident last week where she was completely inconsolable. Strike 2.

Needless to say, I spent the first half of the game sitting in first aid room, trying to keep Ryleigh happy. Jesse came down and checked on us after the 1st quarter and then again at halftime. The Aggies were up 19 to 0, so we finally just decided it was not worth it, and we would just drive home. She slept the first 30 minutes we were in the car and then started screaming again, and cried most of the way home. To make matters worse, we listened to the game on the way home, only to hear about the other team coming back, and going into 3 overtimes!!! Strike 3.

What we thought would be a fun, exciting day turned into a miserable, long day. We were all tired and frustrated when we got home. Guess we wont be attempting any more Aggie football games with Ryleigh this season.


BEFORE-
happy at home with Daddy trying out the Baby B'Jorn.

AFTER-

worn out and asleep on frustrated Mommy

Better luck next year. :(

Never a dull moment

My dad had to leave town on business for a few weeks, and it is the first time in 25 years that my mom has been alone for so long. So last Wednesday, while Jesse worked late, I thought Ryleigh and I would go hang out and have dinner with Mom.

I picked up Taco Bell on the way over, and we sat down to eat. Ryleigh had been asleep in her car seat, but naturally woke up right when we started to eat. And she did not wake up happy. It was right around the time she was supposed to eat, but since we were eating, I did not want to stop and go feed her. I had a bottle of pre-made formula with me, so my mom attempted to give it to her. Well, Ryleigh did not like that one bit, and started screaming her head off. She would not take the bottle and would not stop screaming. Mom tried to walk around and calm her down, nope. So, I tried feeding her myself. Still, she screamed. We walked outside, up and down the driveway...still screaming. We were so desperate for her to stop, we even stuck her in my mom's kitchen sink, thinking a warm bath would certainly calm her down. Nothing. I had run out of tricks; something was wrong.

I called Jesse, who agreed it would not hurt to have her checked out and make sure nothing was seriously wrong. My mom drove us to the after-hours emergency clinic on Hwy 249. Ryleigh calmed down in the car, but the second we got her out again, the screaming resumed. Jesse was waiting for us when we arrived, and had already filled out her paperwork. We went right in, and eventually saw a doctor. (The place had just opened for business a few days before, and they moved pretty slow...especially considering there really was not anyone else there but us!) I think overall, we spoke with 2 or 3 doctors and one nurse. They checked Ryleigh from head to toe, ruling out fever, ear infection (which was my prediction), throat infection, diaper rash, and any other irritation. *Keep in mind that she is still screaming her head off.* After we had been there almost an hour and a half, and Ryleigh had now been screaming for over 2 hours, they took an X-ray of her chest/stomach. Sure enough, her stomach was full of air pockets, very similar to colic. However, colic normally peaks around 6-weeks...it does not suddenly show up at 3 months. Not to mention the fact that of course they would see air bubbles; she had been screaming and crying for 2 hours, swallowing tons of air! So I was not convinced.

Around 9:45 I finally convinced Jesse to go home. We were just waiting on discharge papers and instructions, and there was nothing else he could do. My mom walked around the waiting room with Ryleigh and finally rocked her to sleep. Poor baby, she practically whimpered herself to sleep. We left the ER around 10:15 pm.

After I dropped Mom off back at her house (which looked like a tornado had hit...Taco Bell on the table, baby clothes and towels on the counter, water still in the sink), I drove home and Jesse met me on the driveway to bring Ryleigh inside. She was still out cold. Once we got her inside, I went to lay her down in her cradle and she woke up. I changed her diaper and tried to feed her (she had not eaten in over 6 hours). She took a little bit and fell back asleep.

The next day I went ahead and took her to her pediatrician to have her checked out again, as recommended by the ER doctors. There was still nothing that blatantly stood out as a reason for the episode. Her pediatrician thought she might have had a bit of acid reflux when we originally attempted to give her the formula, which might have burned or something, and then she just continued to get herself worked up. My neighbor suggested to watch for teeth...though it is still early, they can start to teethe around 4 months. Honestly, I have no idea what it might have been. She has not reacted well to that pre-made formula, so I'm wondering if she is allergic or something. No telling. All I know is that we were all thoroughly worn out after yet another Ryleigh-escapade.

Getting closer...

Yes, we are still working on our kitchen project. I know I told you I would post pictures when we were finished, but we're not quite there yet. However, I did not want to keep you in suspense any longer...I know it was killing you! ;)

Jesse has pretty much finished the cabinets, except for a few touch-ups and whatnot. He started the backsplash about a week ago, and is almost finished with the tile itself. One more small section, and we will be ready to grout! Once we finish the grout and seal it all, I think (*fingers crossed*) we should be finished. Here is a sneak peak of Jesse's progress.

I'm pretty sure once we are done with this project, we will be done with home projects for awhile...

Happy Labor Day

Grandma Carol bought this festive outfit for Ryleigh, for her 1st 4th of July. Unfortunately, it was still HUGE on her in July, so she was unable to wear it then. However, I decided I would put her in it for Labor Day, and though it is still slightly big, at least she was able to wear it without the shorts completely falling off!

Our "All American Girl" decked out in her red, white, and blue!