It's a bird! It's a plane! NO...

It's SUPER RYLEIGH! I was getting ready for church yesterday and told Ryleigh I was going to get her brother ready and then she was next! She said okay. And then got quiet. When I finished getting Wesley dressed, I went into Ryleigh's room and she was not in there. I called out to her, to which I heard giggles in response, coming from my room.

Apparently, she got into Daddy's workout bag and thought it would be fun to put on swim goggles, a bike helmet on her head, two swim caps and a couple paddles on her hands, and of course, a winner's medal around her neck.

When she asked me, ever so sweetly, if she could wear it to church... I considered it. After all, what church wouldn't love a Super Ryleigh? But then I figured Jesus is all the Super Hero a church could ever need, so I nicely declined and helped her pick out a dress instead.

Little mister: 9 months

So, last month I swore he was teething...and I was RIGHT! Wesley's two bottom teeth popped through this month, and he has had quite a fun time, sticking his tongue out and feeling them. I'm going to have to start calling him lizard boy if he continues to hang out with his tongue halfway out his mouth.
Sitting? Officially mastered. He can push himself up to a sitting position and everything. And most of the time, seems totally content to sit and play or watch a Baby Einstein video. Or just laugh at whatever silly thing his big sister is doing at the moment... :)

And crawling? Yeah, we have opened the can of worms. Wesley has started the army crawl, and boy, he is getting quicker every day. He doesn't seem real concerned with the fact his belly drags on the floor. In fact, he has mastered the army crawl SO well, that I'd be willing to bet the army would enlist him now if he were about 18 years older.

Let's see, fun things for the month. It has been a little hectic around here, and luckily Wesley is pretty chill when it comes to being toted around. We did chill out a few days and watch the World Cup (boo on the US losing to Ghana), and Daddy got all excited about getting to teach him how to play. As a matter of fact, this picture must have been taken by Daddy, because I certainly did not take it! I guess they were having a little soccer game one afternoon.

At Wesley's 9 month well-baby visit, we confirmed what I already knew. He is still small. Weighing in at 17 lb 8 oz, he was in the 10% for weight; and measuring 26.5 in, he was in the 10% for height. I tried to "up" his foods, feeding more solids throughout the day and transitioning from the stage 2 foods to the stage 3 foods. No go. Wesley (sadly) inherited Mommy's gag reflex and immediately threw it all up. I have tried small finger foods and the Gerber baby finger foods, and he still gags and throws them up. His pediatrician said to keep trying, but some babies just have a harder time learning how to chew. Hopefully he will not need some sort of therapy to teach him how to chew and swallow.

I did finally bump him up to his 9 month clothes, so his pajamas fit much better now. And can I just say, Carters makes the CUTEST pajamas ever. Period.

Overall, he is doing just fine. Healthy, happy baby boy!
I still cannot believe 9 months have already gone by. When he was little, he used to curl up on my chest and nestle his head between my neck and collarbone. His little legs would be tucked up under him, and he could sleep for hours. Now, he still likes to cuddle with Mommy, right up under my neck, but his head is bigger and his legs don't tuck as well. He has started doing the straddle-sit when I rock him.

Not sure why, but it makes me a little sad. As much as I know he is growing, it is certain realizations like that which seem to remind me that time flies. And before I know it, he'll be grown. Too big for rocking. No desire to cuddle. No longer sticking his tongue out or showing me how dirty the floor is by the dirt on his shirt (while crawling). I know I'm going to miss these days.

More on insecurity

Several of you have made comments about my last post on insecurity, or asked if I'm okay. YES, I'm fine...same as I have always been...insecure. And the reason for my post was more or less to open up in an area that I think we all share. Insecurity might manifest itself differently in everyone, but it is still there. I thought perhaps we could all jump in the battle against it together.

To that end, I have started reading one of Beth Moore's books, So Long, Insecurity. I'm only on chapter 3, and wow, this book has me nailed. My highlighter has been put to good use already, if you know what I mean.

Here are just a few of the statements that have jumped off the page at me:

"...is there no validation for our womanhood apart from a man?"

"Men are not the problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up... We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable."

"...we're attempting to get security from a gender that doesn't really have much to spare."

"Are we honestly going to insist on drawing out security from people- men or women- who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give to their estimation of us?"

"We all have insecurities. They piggyback on the vulnerability inherent in our humanity. The question is whether or not our insecurities are substantial enough to hurt, limit, or even distract us from profound effectiveness or fulfillment or purpose."

"...one specialist's definition of insecurity: Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate."

"Not everyone who is sensitive is insecure, but make no mistake: everyone who is insecure is usually sensitive to a fault."

"Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form."

"The insecure person also harbours unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery."

Again, I'm only on chapter 3, and I'm totally hooked. I want to move past this. I want to grow more confident and stop placing unrealistic expectations on other people and things to esteem me or provide a certain sense of self-worth. I jumping in the battle head on, and I thought that perhaps you might want to too. Let's kill the vicious cycle before we unknowingly pass it down to our daughters. I for one, do not want Ryleigh crying every time we head to a dressing room at the mall. I do not want her chasing guys to fulfill some desperate need to feel attractive or loved. I do not want her to place unrealistic expectations on her girlfriends, setting every friendship up to fail, so that in the end she has no friends. I don't want her to ever see the cycle, much less, become entangled in it.

Anyone else out there ready to dive in? Why don't you go pick up this book and we can read it together? I'll hold you accountable, if you will do the same for me.

Each of you out there who read this blog have a special place in my heart. I genuinely care about each of you, and esteem you more than you know. I think you are all amazing, strong, and beautiful women...and I want you to know it and feel it down in your soul too. C'mon. Take the journey with me.

What do you have to lose?

Just the insecurity.

"Just a Ryleigh"

This weekend, my mother-in-law noticed that Ryleigh was intently watching the doctor's on the movie. The following conversation came shortly after:

Ryleigh: RaRa, do you see those doctors?

MIL: Yes, Ryleigh. What are they doing?

Ryleigh: They are helping people to feel better.

MIL: You're right! That's very nice of them. Do you want to be a doctor when you grow up?

(Ryleigh looks at her like she is crazy.)

MIL: No, huh? What do you want to be when you grow up?

(Ryleigh thinks for a minute.)

Ryleigh: Umm, just a Ryleigh.

If it's not one thing, it's another: Vehicle Edition

Jesse's truck:

Last week we had a pretty huge rain storm. It rained non-stop for 24 hours~ no, I''m not exaggerating. There was a LOT of rain. Rainy days = hunkering down for this Mama, so needless to say, by the end of the evening, I needed out of my house. I walked to the mailbox through the drizzle for the chance at 60 seconds of peace and quiet.

But there was no quiet to be found. In fact, it sounded like our neighbor was blasting music while sitting in their car. I do not know our neighbors very well, but they certainly do not seem like the type to sit in their car, in the rain, listening to blaring music. It made me pause. And then I realized that the music was not actually coming from their car. It was coming from Jesse's parked truck. His truck that was parked in the driveway, turned off, where it had been sitting for hours.

I came inside and told Jesse, who immediately panicked. There was no explanation!! He pulled the truck into the garage and tried to work on it, to no avail. At one point all of the instruments on his dashboard just stopped working. He had pulled out wires from everywhere, and I just watched helplessly wondering what in the world could be wrong.

We went to bed frustrated and with no answers. I fully expected to wake up in the morning to find my car gone and his truck sitting stranded in the driveway. But, no, my car was parked in the garage. Apparently, everything worked absolutely PERFECTLY when he started up the car. Not a trace of a problem.

Fast-forward to yesterday. Another massive rain day, and it did it again. Jesse thinks that water is getting in somewhere and causing something to short out. We don't know where and we don't know how to fix it. Personally, I think the truck might be possessed. At least that was my impression when I originally heard the loud, rock music blasting through the (parked, turned off) truck. Weirddddd.....

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Melody's SUV:

My inspection sticker expired in May. I went to go get an oil change and vehicle inspection last week, at which time the man told me that since I no longer live in Harris County, my inspection requirements had changed. However, until I re-registered my SUV in the correct county, the inspection done would not stand. So, I held off on the oil change and inspection until I could make it to the tax office to update my registration and Jesse's expired registration.

Tuesday, Ryleigh had MDO, so I figured it was a good opportunity to run up to the tax office in Bryan and take care of the registration, and then go get my oil changed and my inspection done. I had my paperwork ready to go, went to the tax office, only to be sent back out to my car to retrieve the official registration sticker off my window. I got the sticker, went back into the office, waited again, and finally got both vehicle registrations done.

Afterwards, I was ready to go take care of the oil and inspection. However, it was raining again, so I changed my plan and just went home to wait the remaining 45 minutes before picking up Ryleigh. 45 minutes came and went, and I loaded up Wesley to go pick up his sister. It was still raining, so I was driving cautiously and still managed to arrive in the parking lot 10 minutes early. But when I looked up in my rear-view mirror (as I was pulling into a parking spot at the church), I saw flashing lights. Talk about a shock! I had not even seen him pull out behind me or follow me all the way into the parking lot!! I was mortified, considering all the other moms were also pulling in and heading to pick up their kids.

The cop came to my window and pointed at the missing place where my registration sticker had been securely stuck, only an hour before. In fact, my pile of paperwork, including the new registration sticker were sitting right beside me in the passenger seat!! He still proceeded to write me a warning, taking his own sweet time in his car, lights still on, while I saw fuming and embarrassed.

The crazy part? My inspection sticker had officially expired (in May) and he didn't even mention it. The registration sticker, which had never expired in the first place and was only being updated to change county, was sitting right there on the dashboard (just not stuck to the window yet, because I wanted to clean the residue from the old sticker first), and that is what I got in trouble for. Seriously?! Get a life, buddy.

UGHHH. Frustration.

Insecurity

I have really struggled lately, thinking over and over my thoughts and feelings concerning personal insecurity.

How can you feel so secure in something one moment and then insecure in the next?

How can you feel so secure in one aspect of your life, and totally insecure in another?

How can you give off the perception of security, when in reality you feel insecure?

And if I do all that, does it somehow make me non-genuine? Shouldn't I be the same person, with the same control of my feelings in all aspects of who I am? Shouldn't I have the confidence to know that even though I might not be perfect in something, that I can still be confident that I try my best? Should I expect this confidence to come from the response of others- or should it be a quiet inner confidence? But doesn't too much confidence quickly turn into pride and arrogance? Where is the line?

Let me give you an example. When I first started working in my career, I would often meet with product teams and engineers who knew I was new to the business; not because I blatantly told them that, but I might as well have with the big "I'm scared to death" sign I had stamped on my forehead. I spoke softly. I let them run the show. I did not have confidence, therefore they did not trust that I knew what I was doing. I'm not sure when along the way I realized that this scenario would no longer work, but at some point, the phrase "fake it 'till you make it" became my new reality. I held my head up. I acted confidently. I asked intelligent questions and was no longer the shy, quiet girl in the room. My confidence carried over to my understanding of the product, my writing, and ultimately my interaction with everyone at work. Now, there is not a product team out there that walks over me, and most enjoy working with me because they think I'm intelligent. (Ha! I've got them fooled...)

The whole "fake it 'til you make it" worked for me. Five years later, and I AM confident in my work. I don't have doubt or insecurity in the work world. Sure, I still have questions. I learn something new every day and will no doubt continue to learn more and more. I realize I'm still very young in my career and do not know much in the grand scheme of things. I am confident that I can learn what I need to. I know that I am a hard, good worker. And because of that, I know I can, and will, succeed.

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Where am I going with all this?

Life. How can I be confident in what I do, and yet not confident in who I am? Shouldn't my actions be a direct result of the things I do? What about those people who can put on the great front and do all sorts of seemingly good things, but all with the wrong inner motivation? Can the opposite also be true? My actions aren't always good, but inner intentions were honest. Does that count for something?

Why do we seek approval from others? You know those people who always manage to end up in those emails titled "People you see at Walmart?" (BTW, are those things seriously true??) Do those people wake up in the morning, dress themselves, look in the mirror on their way out the door and say, "dang girl, you are lookin' fine!" Do they seriously have that much personal confidence that they genuinely do not care what anyone thinks about the way the dress, the way they walk, the way they discipline (or don't discipline) their kids?

I struggle always trying to be good. Not the best. Not the prettiest (thank goodness, right?!) Not the smartest. Not perfect. In fact, if you would ask Jesse, he would tell you that I constantly say to him, "it's not perfect, but its better than it was." I want to improve. I want to be a good person. I want to work on my short comings. I want to learn how to be a sweeter wife. I want to be a more patient mom. I want to make decisions for my kids and not second-guess myself. I want to have a clean, welcoming home. I want to succeed and learn in my job.

So, if I know I'm doing my best, why should I care if someone else thinks its not good enough?

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I don't remember the exact details of the conversation, but recently, I was with my sister (Susan, I believe), and we were commenting on what some stranger was wearing. It was completely inappropriate for anyone to wear, and this person certainly should not have been wearing it. It made me really uncomfortable!! If I'm scared to wear sleeveless shirts, for fear of my chubby arms, and avoid wearing a swimsuit so no one has to see this body, and I live in t-shirts to hide from the world, how in the world could this lady go out, in public, wearing that?! And Susan calmly said, "you can wear anything you want to, as long as you have the confidence to pull it off."



I want more confidence. I want to feel 110% secure in who I am as a person, as a wife, as a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

I know that I am NO WHERE close to perfect. I mess up weekly, daily, hourly... but I do try. I do have good intentions. And I love my family and friends dearly. I'm going to be confident in that.

I don't have a perfect body and will never show up on a Victoria's Secret magazine. But I should be confident enough to at least put on a swimsuit to take my daughter to the pool.

I don't always have a clue what I'm doing as a wife or a mom. There is no manual on how to grow the perfect family. But I must be confident that whatever I do, I did to the best of my ability. I must have confidence in that, because I'm learning that my confidence feeds my family.

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Goodness, this post could go on forever. Slightly scattered, huh? I told you I have been wrestling with a lot of thoughts lately!!

I'm going to work on being more secure and confident.

You should too. <3