Insecurity

I have really struggled lately, thinking over and over my thoughts and feelings concerning personal insecurity.

How can you feel so secure in something one moment and then insecure in the next?

How can you feel so secure in one aspect of your life, and totally insecure in another?

How can you give off the perception of security, when in reality you feel insecure?

And if I do all that, does it somehow make me non-genuine? Shouldn't I be the same person, with the same control of my feelings in all aspects of who I am? Shouldn't I have the confidence to know that even though I might not be perfect in something, that I can still be confident that I try my best? Should I expect this confidence to come from the response of others- or should it be a quiet inner confidence? But doesn't too much confidence quickly turn into pride and arrogance? Where is the line?

Let me give you an example. When I first started working in my career, I would often meet with product teams and engineers who knew I was new to the business; not because I blatantly told them that, but I might as well have with the big "I'm scared to death" sign I had stamped on my forehead. I spoke softly. I let them run the show. I did not have confidence, therefore they did not trust that I knew what I was doing. I'm not sure when along the way I realized that this scenario would no longer work, but at some point, the phrase "fake it 'till you make it" became my new reality. I held my head up. I acted confidently. I asked intelligent questions and was no longer the shy, quiet girl in the room. My confidence carried over to my understanding of the product, my writing, and ultimately my interaction with everyone at work. Now, there is not a product team out there that walks over me, and most enjoy working with me because they think I'm intelligent. (Ha! I've got them fooled...)

The whole "fake it 'til you make it" worked for me. Five years later, and I AM confident in my work. I don't have doubt or insecurity in the work world. Sure, I still have questions. I learn something new every day and will no doubt continue to learn more and more. I realize I'm still very young in my career and do not know much in the grand scheme of things. I am confident that I can learn what I need to. I know that I am a hard, good worker. And because of that, I know I can, and will, succeed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Where am I going with all this?

Life. How can I be confident in what I do, and yet not confident in who I am? Shouldn't my actions be a direct result of the things I do? What about those people who can put on the great front and do all sorts of seemingly good things, but all with the wrong inner motivation? Can the opposite also be true? My actions aren't always good, but inner intentions were honest. Does that count for something?

Why do we seek approval from others? You know those people who always manage to end up in those emails titled "People you see at Walmart?" (BTW, are those things seriously true??) Do those people wake up in the morning, dress themselves, look in the mirror on their way out the door and say, "dang girl, you are lookin' fine!" Do they seriously have that much personal confidence that they genuinely do not care what anyone thinks about the way the dress, the way they walk, the way they discipline (or don't discipline) their kids?

I struggle always trying to be good. Not the best. Not the prettiest (thank goodness, right?!) Not the smartest. Not perfect. In fact, if you would ask Jesse, he would tell you that I constantly say to him, "it's not perfect, but its better than it was." I want to improve. I want to be a good person. I want to work on my short comings. I want to learn how to be a sweeter wife. I want to be a more patient mom. I want to make decisions for my kids and not second-guess myself. I want to have a clean, welcoming home. I want to succeed and learn in my job.

So, if I know I'm doing my best, why should I care if someone else thinks its not good enough?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


I don't remember the exact details of the conversation, but recently, I was with my sister (Susan, I believe), and we were commenting on what some stranger was wearing. It was completely inappropriate for anyone to wear, and this person certainly should not have been wearing it. It made me really uncomfortable!! If I'm scared to wear sleeveless shirts, for fear of my chubby arms, and avoid wearing a swimsuit so no one has to see this body, and I live in t-shirts to hide from the world, how in the world could this lady go out, in public, wearing that?! And Susan calmly said, "you can wear anything you want to, as long as you have the confidence to pull it off."



I want more confidence. I want to feel 110% secure in who I am as a person, as a wife, as a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

I know that I am NO WHERE close to perfect. I mess up weekly, daily, hourly... but I do try. I do have good intentions. And I love my family and friends dearly. I'm going to be confident in that.

I don't have a perfect body and will never show up on a Victoria's Secret magazine. But I should be confident enough to at least put on a swimsuit to take my daughter to the pool.

I don't always have a clue what I'm doing as a wife or a mom. There is no manual on how to grow the perfect family. But I must be confident that whatever I do, I did to the best of my ability. I must have confidence in that, because I'm learning that my confidence feeds my family.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Goodness, this post could go on forever. Slightly scattered, huh? I told you I have been wrestling with a lot of thoughts lately!!

I'm going to work on being more secure and confident.

You should too. <3