How do you say goodbye?

We got home on Monday night, and first thing Tuesday morning I began looking through pictures, scanning them into my computer, and uploading them to this post. I typed the title. And stopped.

It has been three weeks.

I couldn't bring myself to write the post. Look at pictures? Sure. Talk about it with close friends? Absolutely. Cry with my family members? You better believe it. But write it down? No way, because to me, that makes it real.

My Grandad passed away on Sunday, August 15, only 3 days after his 80th birthday.

The weekend was a blur. I learned a lot during the weekend. About my family members and the way each of them process grief. About the strength and love that a family unit truly shares. How some people's strengths really do compensate for other people's weaknesses. Especially in times that are hard. I learned about the kind of person I want to be. The kind of family I pray we raise. The legacy I can only hope to leave.

My mind has been spinning, processing it all. My Grandad has had his share of health issues over the past few years, but he has always been so strong and resilient, he just always managed to push through and come out stronger on the other side. So when the incident happened Friday evening, I think we all were thinking (and desperately hoping) this would be just another bump on the road.

When the doctor came into that conference room, full of our entire family, over 33 people, with all eyes on him, you could have heard a pin drop. As he looked sadly into the never-wavering face of my Grandma and shook his head, you could have heard all of our hearts drop.

As we all gathered, crammed inside his ICU room, holding hands, praying, thanking God for his life, there was not a dry cheek in the room.

The time came to wait and see when the Lord was ready for him. I thought I was done. I had said my goodbyes, hugged him, and kissed his cheek once more. After all, I knew that was not him laying there. But when they came and said, "if you want to see him, you better hurry," I jumped up without even a thought or hesitation.

Watching my family, gathered around him, holding onto him and each other, as he smiled one last smile at my Grandma was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is hard to put into words. In fact, in that moment, there were no words. Frankly, I could barely breathe. My throat hurt from lack of air.

How do you say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to a man who always made you feel small and protected? Safe in his arms?

How do you say goodbye to someone who brought out the best in you, and could always make you smile, despite the circumstances?

How do you say goodbye to someone who always opened your eyes to new things? New adventure? And whose hug made you confident that you would always be loved?

How do you say goodbye to someone who always made sure to make you feel special and unique...despite the fact that he had 14 grandkids to love on?

How do you say goodbye to the fun memories? The countless hours of fun at his home, in the motor home, on our vacations, at my parent's house?


How do you say goodbye to someone who taught you the benefit of hard work, and the satisfaction at the end of a long day...all the while, doing it with a smile?

How do you say goodbye to someone who made sure his family always knew they were special, loved, and the most important part of his life?

How do you say goodbye to someone who always made sure that your special occasions were special to him to? That he made it a priority to be at every major event in the lives of his family...and make sure everyone else was there too!

How do you say goodbye to someone who could make any situation fun and laugh-worthy? Just by being himself?

How do you say goodbye to someone who truly sat at the head of the table? Who was a leader in every sense of the word, through thick and thin? And who also gave us all a healthy appreciation for the finer things in life...good food and good family truly do go together.

How do you say goodbye?

You don't. You don't ever forget. You keep the memories close to your heart. You talk about them at family gathering, always remembering that they were there. You always try to live out the principles you were taught in an effort to honor the legacy.

And you never say goodbye. Simply, "see ya soon."

I love you, Grandad, and I'll see ya soon!