Epiphany

Jesse and I have had a rough week. Or...multiple weeks. Or...months. Really now, if life ever easy? I don't think so. Looking back, I'm always thankful for the rough times in our marriage because we usually learn something profound about ourselves, each other, or marriage in general. I figure if our marriage has a "growing pain," it is because of growth, which is good! I also try to remember that Satan loves to destroy Christian marriages, so when we feel like we are repeatedly thrown into trials, there is a good chance that the enemy is close at hand, desiring to tear down with the Lord has built up. He wouldn't attack if we weren't a threat. At least that is what I tell myself AFTER the rough water has passed.

But during the tidal wave, boy howdy, that is another story. It hurts. I'm often angry, confused, emotional. I tend to go into lock down mode, building a 12-ft brick wall all around, not allowing anyone in, for fear I cannot deal with one more thing. In fact, if Jesse and I are having a rough patch, you better believe you can see me wearing it as clearly as the color on my shirt. I might as well have a large sign across my chest for the whole world to see. (I'm not the best at hiding my thoughts or feelings, in case you didn't know that about me.)

So last week during the height of our issue, we both needed some distance to chill out, think, and then regroup. I had to go to Houston for meetings anyway, so it was a nice break to get away for 24 hours. (Not to mention, distance really does make the heart grow fonder!) So, we had some distance. And on my drive back home to him, naturally I started replaying the issue in my head. Arguing all my points all over again. Convincing myself I was still right. Convincing myself that he was still wrong. And he needed to change. My way was right. After all, everything I was saying was in his best interest! I was really trying to help him! And make him a better person, like he wanted to be! If only he would do what I say...

And then all of sudden, clear as day, I heard God say, "Melody, quit trying to control him. You cannot make him do anything."

I can't make him do anything. And frankly, when I think about it that way, I really don't want to. I don't want to be so controlling that I force my husband, the God-given head of my household into my submission.

It's kind of like that scene from "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston:
"I want you to want to do the dishes."
"Who wants to do the dishes? No one wants to do the dishes."

I don't want to force him to do anything. It doesn't make either of us happy! Him slamming around doing something because I'm making him do it, doesn't make me happy. It makes the chore done, but two unhappy people.

So, if I want to help him learn how to "want to do the dishes" by pointing out some room for improvement, he should naturally jump on board, right?? Apparently, not so much.

According to So Long Insecurity, by Beth Moore, this passive-aggressive power struggle married women face is essentially women trying to play God to their husbands. Listen to this excerpt from chapter 11:

"If he feels strong-armed into doing something, he suddenly develops a voracious appetite to do the exact opposite... ....Honestly, I just wanted him to be happy, and he seemed to have such unnecessary ups and downs...I know what worked for me, and I wanted it to work for him...The way I saw it, the man had so much potential if he would just do things God's way. But since he wasn't really listening to God, maybe my way was close enough. If he would just have a regular prayer time or memorize a few scriptures or listen to Christian music or be more jovial or more compliant or less free with opinions but more talkative with his feelings or more selective about what he watched and more careful about what he ate, he'd be so much happier. Clearly, I needed to take control of the situation and try to shove Keith to his happy place."

She then goes on to say that "now I vacillate somewhere between giving up altogether and giving it one more tiny little try. I live in neither place, but this much has become remarkably clear: we cannot control people...It doesn't work."

So back to my car ride and epiphany. What about when the thing I'm trying to help him with? How can I help him without making him do something about it? How I can promote change without promoting action? And isn't it part of our duty as a spouse to hold one another accountable and help the other become the best they can be?

My epiphany? The ONLY thing I can do to help promote change in Jesse is pray for him. Period.

Beth says it like this:

"Somewhere along the way, we each have to acknowledge that our loved one is a separate person from us- someone God loves, pursues, and when necessary, chastises. When we try to do God's job, we get in God's way. We are called to cherish, support, and pray for others, but tying our security to them is a lost cause. That knot we keep tightening is no more fair to them than it is to us. Hand that rope over to God. Let Him undo that tangled-up mess and retie your security to Himself. He's the One with all the power."

My pep talks will not work. My ultimatums will not work. My guilt trips will not work. My demands and resolves will not work. Jesse is not going to change because I want him to. And again, what kind of change would that be? Too angry, bitter people- me for having to force him to make the choice rather than choosing it on his own; him for being forced to do something against his will. I cannot change Jesse.

All I can do is hand it over to God. I have to have faith in the only being with the power to promote change. And remember, God has given us free will! He is also not going to force Jesse to change! But my prayer is that through a quiet, though constant stirring in Jesse's heart from Him, Jesse cannot help but make the right choice all on his own.

And when he does, you better believe I'm going to get all high school cheerleader on him and jump and yell and shake my pom poms in support!! After all, that really is my job.