I guess it was inevitable...

WARNING-- Might contain Too Much Information; information you do NOT want to know!

We have started to prepare for our cruise in March, and it seems like all the department stores have also prepared for the approaching Spring Break season. Swimsuits are everywhere!

Those of you who know me know that I am an extremely modest person. I have never liked skimpy clothes, I rarely even wear sleeveless shirts, and I HATE swimming simply because it requires a swimsuit. Most people take trips to the beach on their honeymoon, but not Jesse and I, because I told him straight-up I did NOT want to go anywhere I had to wear a swimsuit. So we went to the mountains instead. :)

Back to preparing for the cruise...so yeah, I knew I was going to need a few swimsuits. The last time I purchased one was when we went to Mexico. Last summer, after having Ryleigh, I did not put on a swimsuit. We even went up to the lakehouse with friends, and I would not do it. I kept shorts and a t-shirt on at all times.

So, we decided we would go to Target and try on a few, to see which style/sizes looked the best. Jesse is always super sweet and sensitive when it comes to evenings like this, cause he knows what a big deal they can turn in to. We picked out a few styles and headed back to the dressing room. Let me say, there were definitely a few that received a full and hearty "no" right away, but fortunately, we did find one we both really liked. So, I quickly took it off, put it in the basket and we were on our way.

Later, back at home, Jesse asked me to try it on again (since he only got a 2-second peak), and so I willingly obliged. And I truly liked it! I was feeling okay about it, so Jesse gently suggested pulling out the old bag of swimsuits I have hiding in the closet...it all went downhill from there. One by one, I put on each and every swimsuit in the bag, and my heart broke a little bit more.

I know that I have had a baby. I know that my body has changed. I have seen changes. I know it will never be what it once was. I know this. And yet, it never really dawned on me how much until this moment.

Throughout the pregnancy, I thought I was doing well. I did not gan much weight, and have managed to lose most of it since then. I also worked very hard to avoid stretch marks (using shea butter several times a day), and for the most part was successful. Looking back, it all could have been much worse. And dressed safetly in my clothes, no one would notice any difference.

But in those swimsuits-- I noticed. And I noticed right away. It was incredibly obvious. My boobs are no more. I'm not exerragerting in the slightest. There is nothing behind my boobs. What was once a solid B/C cup has become a negative A. I used to wear normal, string bikinis. Nothing incredibly revealing, but just a normal bikini. Now, there is nothing there. My chest looks like my back. It made me want to throw up. And what is worse, my stomach looks funny. No, I did not get stretch marks. No, I do not have cellulite on my stomach. But the skin looks different. There is no elasticity. It looks old. And ragged. And gross. I feel like I will be essentially walking around the cruise ship, with husband in hand, and a big sign across my non-existent chest that reads, "yes- I have had a baby." To think I was already self-conscious pre-baby...now I'm going to hide behind t-shirts for the rest of my life.

Please, please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my daughter with all my heart. I would do it all again in a heartbeat for her. And I'm sure one day, God-willing, I will do it all again to give her a sibling.

It is just strange to me that I have seen my body every day for the past 8 months, and though I knew it was different, I didnt see the difference until I put on those old swimsuits. And it is depressing to think there really is nothing I can do at this point. It doesnt matter how much bench press or push-ups I do- I can tone the muscle underneith, but the tissue on top is damaged and cannot be repaired, without surgery. We laugh and joke about getting them "fixed" one day after babies are done, who knows. And Jesse is such a sweet boy, he just grins and says, "I have always been more of a butt-man, myself." Thanks, honey. I am definitely packing plenty in this trunk. :)

It was inevitable. Ryleigh has changed me in every possible way. She has physically left her mark on my body. Her needs occupy my mind and time. Her sweet giggle wraps me around her finger, and her cuddles melt my heart. I am a different person than I was 8 months ago-- inside and out. It might take some time to adjust to these changes, as it took time to adjust to the others, but at the end of the day, she is 110% worth every change.