Extra Estrogen

It's a girl!

Jesse and I had our doctor appointment and ultrasound yesterday morning, and I still do not think the news has sunk in. We had our ultrasound first, and it took the technician almost half an hour to decide what gender she thought the baby was!! Apparently we either have a very shy little girl, or a very stubborn little girl- she would not open her legs. The technician kept pushing around and bouncing the applicator on my stomach, then I would change positions, while attempting to shake my stomach and get her to move, and NOTHING! She finally gave us a 2-second peek, and the technician said, "well, I think it is a girl." Jesse and I both looked at each other, first in shock, and then questioning..."you think?? Can we be sure?" The technician told us she was about 90% sure it had to be a girl, since 'she would have seen testicles by now.' Um, okay. I think I watched the video 5 times last night, determined to find those testicles!!

I was literally in shock for a few hours. I really had my mind wrapped around the fact, not the thought, the FACT that I was going to have a boy. I had mentally prepared for a boy, had the nursery designed in my mind, and had even started using cute little pet names for my baby boy. See, Jesse's dad had all boys, and all his boys have only had boys...based on the statistics, I was destined to be a mother of boys! But God had other plans.

I do not want to say I am disappointed, because all I have been praying for is a healthy baby, boy or girl. (Which, BTW, all my testing came back negative and I am not only healthy, but also carry an extremely low percentage for down syndrome, spina bifada, etc.) However, I think the selfish part of me is disappointed. All of my friends and cousins who have had babies in the past 6 months have ALL had girls. I thought it would be fun to have the first boy, and let him be the stud of the group. I am so used to being the "first" to experience things in life, and I guess I felt I needed yet another "first" amongst my peers. But the truth is, it does not matter what my peers have experienced. Reality is: this is my first baby. It is my parents first grandchild, and my sisters first niece. It is the first girl born on Jesse's side of the family. That is a lot of firsts!! So does it matter that it is not a boy? Of course not.

I have always been worried about Jesse's reaction to having a baby girl, much more so than myself. He was literally beaming yesterday and started popping off girl's names right away. He honestly seemed more concerned about my apparent lack of excitement rather than his own. Half the reason I thought it would be fun to have a girl is so I can watch as she wraps him around her little finger. Talk about an instant softening of a relatively tough male! It is going to be awesome watching him love his precious daughter, and watch her truly become a Daddy's girl.

My thoughts are still sporadic, and I don't think I have completely adjusted to the idea of raising a daughter of my own. I always knew I wanted a daughter, I just had my family time line set slightly different. Perhaps that is why God gave her to us now. I have always been too much of a control freak and definitely too much of a planner. Things typically go according to my plan, or I change my plan accordingly to make it work for me. This is one of the first things in my life I had absolutely no control over, and even though I made my assumptions, God had other plans. And though I don't know what His plan entails, I trust He knows what He is doing! Perhaps he needed to teach me to trust Him. Perhaps he needed to teach me to not assume, or always have to be "first." Perhaps he needed to show Jesse true, unconditional love of a baby girl so wrapped around his finger that he does not know who he would be without her. I don't presume to know. All I know is that God has always taken care of us, and I know He always will.

I am going to continue to pray that God melts my heart and helps me begin to fall in love with the idea of being a mommy to a daughter. I know I will fall in love with her once she arrives- right now I need to love the IDEA of her. It is going to be a wonderful, miraculous blessing, and I am ready to be genuinely excited about all the fun that is coming our way.